The Case of the Missing Loogie

Okay y’all, all I’ve done lately is moan and groan about how miserable I am. I know that I sort of deserve to feel this way, considering what I’m going through, but nobody likes a Debbie Downer, so it’s time to turn that frown upside down!


I thought for a change of pace, I would make you laugh by sharing a little story called “The Case of the Missing Loogie.”

This story takes place a few weeks ago. It is lunch time. I am seated at a table with seven of my peers. We have enjoyed our lunch, plates have been cleared, and we are all just chatting away. Suddenly, I have to sneeze. In an effort to be discreet, as well as prevent the spread of germs, I place my arm over my mouth.



When I sneezed, I totally felt a loogie fly out of my mouth. (chronic strep throat and tonsillitis, you know how it is…) Thank God I had my arm over my mouth to cover my sneeze! But now what do I do? I sit there with my arm still across my face, contemplating my next move.

Very slowly, I extricate my arm from my face, discreetly wiping it over my mouth at the same time, just in case. Keeping my arm bent to hide the loogie, I place my elbow on the table. I smile and nod at everyone at the table, but inside I am panicking. How am I supposed to get rid of the loogie without anyone seeing? Conversation has proceeded, and everyone at the table seems none the wiser about the glob of mucus I am trying my best to hide.

I need to assess the situation, find out what we’re dealing with here. I s-l-o-w-l-y unbend my elbow, making sure no one else who may be looking will see anything before I do. Open, open more, more, more, more…

I am now looking at my completely outstretched loogie-less arm. What the…? OMG, what happened to the loogie? My heart is racing. I’m fairly certain it’s not splattered across my face. I would have felt that, right? Conversation proceeds around me, blissfully clueless of my situation, but at this moment, it feels like all eyes in the room are locked on me.

I summon the courage to look around the table, to see if it shot out and hit an innocent bystander. Everyone’s face seems loogie-free. Then… I look down.  There in front of me, where my plate had been only moments before, is my loogie, vividly displayed against the black tablecloth!

As I was taking such pains to carefully wipe my face and keep my arm bent in order to hide the evidence, the loogie was sitting right there on the table in front of me, for all to see!!! So, I took my napkin, wiped it up, and immediately got up from the table and ran away. I have no idea if anyone noticed it. If they did, they were tremendously polite to look the other way until I made the discovery myself.

It totally reminds me of the “Everybody Loves Mary” scene. You know the scene. With the hair gel. Would have been awesome if I’d looked over and seen one of my dining companions sporting this ‘do.


Got any similarly embarrassing stories to share? If you saw someone spit a loogie out onto the table (when they had clearly tried SO HARD not to!), would you tell them? Or just look the other way?

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6 Responses to The Case of the Missing Loogie

  1. Christine, you are absolutely hilarious!!

    I would totally look the other way and probably not say anything 🙂

  2. Tee-hee, what a terrible and funny situation! I just was in an awkward situation myself, because I was out with friends tonight (to a sushi bar and later to another one), and unfortunately I had treated my sinusitis and stuffed nose a little too hard before so I felt a prickling in my nose and had to sneeze *all the time*. Imagine, 20 times within 10 minutes. It got better after one hour, but then my nose started to run like crazy and I had to blow it *all the time*. Imagine, I consumed two packages of tissues while being out, and another one since being back home. And there’s no end in sight yet …

    • merf says:

      Oh no, Kath! I hate when I get a tickly nose like that. When it hits me, it tends to last a day or more. But I don’t think I’ve ever gone through two packs of tissues in one night!

  3. Grace says:

    One time in English class my senior year I fell asleep during class, we weren’t doing anything, I woke up to a ginormous puddle of drool on my desk. I was frantic trying to think of something to wipe it up with and praying no one had seen! I ended up using notebook paper and turns out two girls who were my acquaintances had noticed…so embarrassing!

  4. merf says:

    That’s awesome, Grace! And totally cheered me up, thank you!!! 🙂

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