This is a rock:
It is my rock. I like my rock. I like it so much that I live under it. See?
My rock is kind of a secret hideaway. See, when people find out you live under a rock, they judge. I don’t like to be judged. So, only my closest friends are invited to see my rock. Occasionally, life under a rock can lead to some socially awkward situations. Like when everyone is talking about something, and they all seem to know what they are all talking about, and it’s clear I should also know about this thing, but I don’t know anything about it or even know what it is enough to Google it.
This happens to me a lot with TV and movies.
Growing up, I didn’t watch much television. And when I did, it was usually Nick at Nite. Oh yes, I wouldn’t lie about something like this. I loved shows like “My Three Sons” and “Donna Reed”. They were so wholesome, so nicely packaged, and in the end, everyone realized their wrongdoings, apologized, learned their lessons, and smiled for a big family picture. Needless to say, the latest rerun of “My Three Sons” isn’t a great conversation starter at a party, so when I got to college, people started to find out that I had been living under a rock. I finally got a TV when I was in law school, but it wasn’t hooked up to anything but a VCR, and the only movie I owned was “Sense and Sensibility”. My roommate, Jay, and I used to watch S&S on a loop. We’d sit down on the couch with dinner, turn on the TV, hit play, and just pick up where we left off. Lame, you say? Talk to the hand. When I find something I like, I stick to it. I’ve been hearing about it my whole life, how I am so out of touch, not having seen some of the most popular movies, TV shows, etc., of all time. I didn’t watch cartoons growing up and have never seen an episode of the Dukes of Hazzard. I’ve never seen Fletch, Indiana Jones, or — until recently — Star Wars. In law school, I was asked to write movie reviews for the school paper. I kindly explained that I was just about the least qualified person for the job, but they didn’t care. They said it didn’t matter if I knew anthing bout movies, that I didn’t necessarily need to even watch the movies, that my job was merely to entertain. And entertain I did. My reviews were not particularly insightful, and I had a tendency to mis-quote lines from the movie, or actually write about the wrong actors. (In my rievew of “In & Out” I indicated that the lead actor was Kevin Costner, not Kevin Kline, and compared his work in this film to previous masterpieces like “The Bodyguard”.) My failure to fact-check may have offended some cinema afficionados, but the column was wildly popular. Go figure.
Anyway, every now and then, my movie ignorance comes up and people get a little glimpse of my rock. This happened last week with my husband, Husband. (Of course, Husband knows all about my rock. He’s been given the grand tour!) A few weeks ago, Husband and I were driving down the street, and he goes “Look at that license plate! Awesome!” The license plate looked something like this…
It was time for me to fess up. I knew it was from a movie, but had no idea what it meant or why it was funny. I just knew that people would occasionally look up to the sky, spread their hands out, and yell “Khaaan!” at parties, and it always got a good laugh. I thought Husband was going to drive the car off the road. How could I possibly not know where that was from?!?! Suddenly he was explaining it to me, and try as I may, I couldn’t keep up. I heard something like this:
I didn’t understand anything he was saying until… what’s that? Capain Kirk? Captain Kirk! I know Captain Kirk!!! So I say…
At that moment, Husband decided enough was enough. Ticking off movies, he began to assess the situation. Just how bad was it? Well, I failed miserably. I hadn’t seen Star Trek (none of the TV shows, though I may have seen one of the movies once upon a time), Fletch, Indiana Jones, or the Star Wars trilogy. Apparently the air supply under my rock was running out, and it was time for me to get some fresh air in order to maintain a pulse.
So, we promptly logged into Netflix and bumped “Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope” to the top of my queue. (Some of these must-see movies have lingered at the bottom of my queue for years.) The movie arrived and I dutifully popped it in the DVD player and hit play. Dude. That movie is really good. Like, why didn’t anyone ever tell me? Darth Vader? Bad ass!!! That movie has some of the best quotable lines ever, and nobody likes to mis-quote a movie as much as I do. I immediately followed that up with Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back. Also excellent. (Spoiler alert! He’s Luke’s father! OMG!) I’m not sure which was better, might have to call it a draw. Next up is Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi. I can’t wait to find out which Jedi is returning, and from where!
I feel invigorated. The air outside my rock is not as toxic as I feared. Once I’ve made my way through the Star Wars trilogy, I’m going to start on Indiana Jones because, well, Harrison Ford, that’s why. Look out for the new and improved Christine at a cocktail party near you, mis-quoting Star Wars and attributing quotes to the wrong movies, all in my best Darth Vader voice.
You have failed me for the last time, Admiral… Khaaan!!!